humor – DreamingEngine

Shutdowns Ain’t Stoppin’ Us!

March 9, 2019November 18, 2019
by deltaKshatriya

And we’re back after a bit of a hiatus!

Dallas, Texas

The Jerk Airways HQ

The hero of the airline industry, or the villain, depending on your perspective, James “Jimmy” Edwards stared out the window of the main conference room of Jerk Airways HQ in Dallas, Texas. The days of the Thug Wars were behind them, but with the architect of the Thug Wars and Thug Airways, Johnny Capone, still at large, Jimmy Edwards was rarely relaxed. Regardless, there was money to be made and customers to be herded, so Jimmy sighed and turned around to face the assembled executives.

Jimmy folded his hands.

“Alrighty everyone, so what’ve we got?” he asked.

“Well, things are going to get really interesting….” hesitated the CFO.

Jimmy eyed her curiously. The CFO continued to hesitate.

“What the fuck could be so weird that we haven’t seen already? We’re a company that charges 5 dollars for airfare by basically breaking every rule known to airlines along with some rules of humanity! We’ve had Kim fucking Jong-Un on our flights and as a sponsor! We got sued and won that suit against an angry customer! We literally redefined corporate warfare when Johnny Capone started Thug Airways! Come on man, what could be more fucked up than all that that’s keeping you so quite?” drawled Jimmy.

The CFO breathed in deeply and said:

“Well Jimmy, it’s not another airline or a customer, cause we don’t give a shit about any of that these days. This is about the government shutdown…”

Uncategorized

Test

February 19, 2019
by deltaKshatriya

Jerk Airways Headquarters, Dallas, Texas

James “Jimmy” Edwards seemed to be relaxing a bit. Ever since the passenger kidnapping had been solved, he seemed to feel as if things were somewhat under his control again. At least, somewhat.

“Alright guys, so we’ve got to get back our market share again. Thug Airways is still cheaper than us, so even though they aren’t literally abducting passengers, we still need to convince those guys to fly Jerk. Any ideas?”

The room was silent. After a couple of minutes, the CTO spoke up.

“I have an idea that could potentially make us seem more attractive…”

Charles de Gaulle International Airport, Paris, France

The Jerk Airways departure gate had changed quite a bit since they first started the airline. Gone were the simple, normal, boring departure gates. Now, North Korean secret policemen patrolled the gate, frisking people, and on the lookout for any Thug Airways kidnappers. As usual, the infamous cowboy of Jerk Airways stood at the ready to begin boarding. One of the herders standing next to him seemed unusually nervous.

“We gonna be herdin’ them passengers or what?” said the herder.

The cowboy bared his teeth in a nefarious smile.

“Oh no boy. We tryin’ somethin’ different this time” he drawled.

The cowboy hopped up onto the ticketing desk, megaphone in hand.

“Alright y’all! Welcome to Jerk Airways flight to Philadelphia! Some of y’all know how boarding works here, some of y’all don’t. It don’t really matter, cause we’re changing things up a bit” drawled the cowboy.

“Are you boarding by groups!?” yelled a passenger.

“Whatever gave you that idea? We don’t do things like that here at Jerk Airways.” responded the cowboy.

“Then what are these!?” yelled the passenger while gesturing to his boarding pass.

The boarding pass did indeed have a group ID written on it.

“Oh we just got bored and wrote down some random stuff” replied the cowboy.

The boarding pass group ID for the passenger read:

PARTICULARLY DUMB FUCKER

While another one read:

GENERIC FUCKER

and yet another read:

CUTE

“Well anyhow, as I was saying, so we’re gonna do things differently this time! Inside the flight! There are exactly 5 seats! None of y’all are assigned those seats! Whoever can get them and hold on to them will have those seats for the flight! They even have seat belts and can recline as well! So first one’s to get ’em gets a good flight!” drawled the cowboy.

The passengers simply stared at him. Perhaps they were dumbfounded by the lunacy of what they had just heard. Perhaps they were so unused to the notion of seating that they couldn’t believe their ears.

“What the fuck are y’all staring at me for!? Didn’t y’all just hear me!? Get your asses in their as fast as y’all can and get them seats!” yelled the cowboy.

The passengers suddenly surged forward in a frenzy towards the gate. People pushed one another, kicked, and sprinted, in a stampede to get the much desired seats. At that moment, another herder whipped out a trumpet and began playing a tune:

At the same time, the cowboy yelled:

“GIDDYUP EVERYBODY! COME ON COME ON COME ON! RUN LIKE THE WIND! GET YOUR ASSES GOIN’! LET’S SEE SOME FIRE COMIN’ OUT THEM ASSHOLES!”

As the passengers surged inwards, the first few raced towards the seat. One laid his hands on the seat and was ripped away by another passenger and thrown to the back of the plane. That man tried to then seat himself only to be punched and knocked out cold by a woman who seemed to resemble Nicki Minaj. Another passenger literally jumped and sailed through the air a good 10 feet and landed on one of the seats, kicked others off of the seat, while attempting to claim the seat as his.

During the chaos and fighting ensuing around the seats, a North Korean secret police officer was furiously taking notes, probably to be used later and implemented in North Korea.

“Hmm, alright, is everybody on board?” asked the cowboy.

“Seems like it” said one of the herders.

“And look at that! Not only do they get seats, we didn’t even need to waste money on herding too much! They did it themselves!” retorted the cowboy.

“Most interesting” said a secret police officer while scratching his head.

“Alright boys! Let’s get this show in the air!” drawled the cowboy.

Once the last of the herders had boarded the flight, in typical Jerk Airways fashion, the flight began its usual operation.

“Alrighty, y’all ready to go?” drawled the cowboy.

The passengers were still too busy fighting for the seat.

“Well, looks like they aren’t, but we’re gonna go anyways” said the cowboy. “Johnny! You’re cleared for take off!”

Johnny Bravo, perhaps the second most infamous character of Jerk Airways, took the flight to the air, at which point he began his barrel rolls. The passengers not already belted into the seats flew around the flight. One passenger, who had not belted into his seat, tried to hang on but eventually lost his grip and hit another passenger like a ball in a pinball machine. One man, who looked oddly similar to Brad Pitt, managed to latch on to a seat with a passenger already belted in. He then proceeded to unbuckle the belt (while fending off the seated man’s punches) and rip the man out of his seat and sent him flying. He then took his seat and belted in.

The cowboy decided to make things a bit more interesting. He walked in, with his magnetic boots on and baseball bat in hand, and spotted a man launching himself towards an empty seat. The cowboy took his bat, took aim, and sent the man flying back towards where he came. The cowboy whooped:

“HOME RUN MOTHERFUCKER!”

The flight proceeded more or less as usual (as usual for Jerk Airways that is). Despite all the fighting, some passengers seemed convinced that flying Jerk Airways was somewhat better than Thug Airways. At least they had the hope of a seat.

Jerk Airways

Take Back The Market! (The Thug Wars) A Tale…

February 18, 2019November 18, 2019
by deltaKshatriya

Jerk Airways Headquarters, Dallas, Texas

James “Jimmy” Edwards seemed to be relaxing a bit. Ever since the passenger kidnapping had been solved, he seemed to feel as if things were somewhat under his control again. At least, somewhat.

The room was silent. After a couple of minutes, the CTO spoke up.

“I have an idea that could potentially make us seem more attractive…”

Jerk Airways

The Thug Wars: A Tale of Jerk Airways

February 18, 2019November 18, 2019
by deltaKshatriya

Jerk Airways Headquarters, Dallas, Texas

James “Jimmy” Edwards was in a bad mood lately. Ever since Thug Airways challenged Jerk Airways with even cheaper tickets and had started quite literally abducting passengers from Jerk Airways gates, Jerk Airways profits and share prices had fallen steadily. The news media had already found a name for this story: the Thug Wars.

“Well boys, it’s do or die, and I ain’t ready to die. What are our options?” said Jimmy.

“Lowering prices would be tougher. It means we’d actually have to optimize even further, and I’m not sure we can actually treat our customers any worse at this point” replies the CFO.

The room remains silent.

“Surely there’s something more we can do!?” lambasts Jimmy.

“Uhm, Jimmy? Might I give a suggestion?” drawls the infamous cowboy.

“Well out with it then!” growls Jimmy.

“We can’t solve all our problems at once, so we gotta do this one at a time. First thing’s first, we gotta actually make sure the passengers who are going on Jerk Airways actually go with Jerk Airways, and to do that I’ve gotta proposition for y’all. I’ve got a really good friend actually who could help us…”

Jerk Airways

Thug Airways: A Tale of Jerk Airways

February 18, 2019November 18, 2019
by deltaKshatriya

JFK International Airport, New York

It was just another day. The cowboy was at it again, getting passengers ready for herding into a flight to London. The herders were getting ready with their cattle prods and whips. The cowboy was eyeing guys and girls who looked cute. Unfortunately for him, there weren’t many of interest to him on this flight

Jeez, this is gonna be a boring flight, thought the cowboy. The cowboy hopped up onto the desk, megaphone in hand.

“Alrighty folks! Welcome to Jerk Airways flight to London! Y’all ready to get this started?” drawled the cowboy.

The cowboy was somewhat distracted by a group of 7 strangely dressed people. And, let’s fair, if someone who dresses like a cowboy finds someone else strangely dressed, they must’ve been strangely dressed. The group of 7 were all dressed like various gangsters from around the world. Chinese Triads, drug cartel thugs, Yakuza, Indian coal mafia thugs, American gangsters, highway robbers, and more all were represented. They seemed to be walking towards the Jerk Airways gate.

Maybe they’re cosplayers thought the cowboy. Then, the cowboy realized he knew one of the thugs. Johnny Capone, the intrepid lawyer who had represented Jerk Airways in the recent lawsuit, was leading the group, dressed in his usual gold chains, aviator glasses, torn jeans, and leather jacket. The cowboy was about to call out to him when something even stranger happened. The group of thugs fanned out into the crowd of passengers. Johnny Capone, in his thick Bronx accent, then yelled:

“THE MOTHERLOAD OF PASSENGERS BOUND TO LONDON! GRAB THESE FUCKERS AND RUN WITH THEM! AS MANY AS YOU CAN FOR THUG FLIGHT TO LONDON!”

Jerk Airways

Jerk Airways Goes to Court: Jason Reynolds vs Jerk…

February 18, 2019November 18, 2019
by deltaKshatriya

Find Part 1 here!

Mike Anderson and Johnny Capone sat in Judge Jonathan Mark’s personal office, where the short, portly man continued to pace back and forth as he talked on the phone.

“No no sir, I will not enter that court room until you send me a full bodyguard detachment from the military! I value my life far too much to go in their unprotected! And my aide will also require an escort! His duties of fetching food and coffee are paramount to the function of this court! Thank you! Thank you!” said Marks with his rather fake sounding British accent.

He put down his phone, took a seat at his desk. Anderson looked extremely nervous while Capone looked bored, with his feet on the desk.

“Oh dear lord, now where to begin with the two of you” sighed Marks.

“I would like to point out that this was a minor incident that-” started Anderson.

Jerk Airways

Jason Reynolds vs Jerk Airways (Part 1): A Tale…

February 18, 2019November 18, 2019
by deltaKshatriya

(A Fourth of July Multipart Special!)

“All rise for the honorable Judge Jonathan Marks”

The judge looked to be anything other than honorable as he walked in casually, his judge robes barely hanging on to his copious frame, while he munched on a croissant sandwich.

“Yes, yes, sit everyone. Good God, you people won’t let me eat my sandwich with your formalities” he muttered.

Even his voice sounded like a cheap, squeaky, knock-off of a British accent. Despite his appearance, Judge Marks was actually quite interested in hearing this case. This was bound to be interesting, from what he already knew about the parties involved.

“Alright, what have we got here? The case of Jason Reynolds vs Jerk Airways. Hmm. I feel like I’m going to quite enjoy this. Is the jury ready? Would they like anything? Some coffee, tea perhaps? I usually like a glass of whisky before one of these cases. It really gets the blood flowing.”

Jerk Airways

A Dictator and a Solid Snake: A Tale of…

February 18, 2019November 18, 2019
by deltaKshatriya

At Jerk Airways Headquarters in Dallas, Texas

“Well everyone, so we’ve got a really interesting gig coming up” said James “Jimmy” Edwards. “Looks like we’re gonna have a real special guest going on one of our flights soon”

“Who?” asked Donna Roberts, CTO of Jerk Airways.

“Kim Jong Un will be taking a Jerk Airways flight” replied Jimmy.

“Seriously!? That’s gonna be…interesting” said the CIO.

“Well, the CIA has already contacted us, they want to try stuff apparently” said Notch, the PR Officer.

“Tell them they’re free to book a ticket, it’s only 5 dollars after all. Beyond that, no special treatment” replied Jimmy.

“So how do we want to do this?” asked Donna.

“Why’d he even choose Jerk Airways? Seems a bit random, considering he could’ve gone with top luxury if he wanted” drawled Johnny Bravo, formerly a pilot, now promoted to COO.

“Well publicly he says he wants to travel as the people of the West do. Contacts say he’s saving money for his nuclear program. As for where he’s going, apparently there’s some sort of dictators conference he’s attending. He’s the keynote speaker and will also be presenting at the Subjugation segment of the conference. He wants to travel the Western way? Do what we always do then” said Jimmy.

Jerk Airways

Complaining to Jerk Airways (A Tale of Jerk Airways)

February 1, 2019November 18, 2019
by deltaKshatriya

To Whomsoever is in Charge of Customer Service (If it exists) for This Damned Airline

I’ll skip the pleasantries and get straight to the point. How in the hell is any of what you are doing allowed? IS IT EVEN LEGAL!? You people literally did not warn us about anything. From boarding to getting off the plane, you people seem to go out of your way to showcase terrible customer service! Your boarding process involved a man dressed like a cowboy (and what is it with you people and cowboys!?) first choosing in terms of who he thought was prettiest being allowed to board first, and as they boarded, giving each one a card with his phone number on it, and a note that said ‘call me’. This is discrimination! I thought you people have equal treatment for all!? So much for that!

Jerk Airways

Aggressive Business! A Tale of Jerk Airways

January 25, 2019November 18, 2019
by deltaKshatriya

Jerk Airways Headquarters, Dallas, Texas

James “Jimmy” Edwards walked into the meeting room, at the top floor of Jerk Airways tower in downtown Dallas Texas. As always, he was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt that had “We aren’t better, just way cheaper” written on it. The various corporate officers were already seated at the large table. As Jimmy sat down at the table, he said,

“Alright everybody, seems like this quarter went pretty well”

“Profits are good, customers aren’t complaining too much more than usual about the usual stuff, and we are slowly turning people away from American, United, and Delta”

“Hmm, any problems?” asked Jimmy.

“Well, we are doing well, but we aren’t that big at the moment. In order to get bigger, we’re gonna need to do more international routes without using other airlines, thus lowering the cost to our usual price of $5 and in general, we need more”

“How’s the investment side looking?”

“Well, we’ve managed to convince people that rather than pretend to be nice to the customer and charge ridiculous rates that just throwing them in the tin can and charging very little for it is the better way to fly. We’ve got enough investment for phase 2”

“Alrighty then! Time for phase 2 of Jerk Airways! Throw the investment in there, start getting aggressive! And remember, that cost has gotta stay low! So whatever you can think of! Anything! From passenger optimization, employee optimization, to route optimization, whatever you can think of! Time to put the heat on them other airlines! Aggressive business guys!”

Tag: humor