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The Thug Wars: A Tale of Jerk Airways

Jerk Airways Headquarters, Dallas, Texas

James “Jimmy” Edwards was in a bad mood lately. Ever since Thug Airways challenged Jerk Airways with even cheaper tickets and had started quite literally abducting passengers from Jerk Airways gates, Jerk Airways profits and share prices had fallen steadily. The news media had already found a name for this story: the Thug Wars.

“Well boys, it’s do or die, and I ain’t ready to die. What are our options?” said Jimmy.

“Lowering prices would be tougher. It means we’d actually have to optimize even further, and I’m not sure we can actually treat our customers any worse at this point” replies the CFO.

The room remains silent.

“Surely there’s something more we can do!?” lambasts Jimmy.

“Uhm, Jimmy? Might I give a suggestion?” drawls the infamous cowboy.

“Well out with it then!” growls Jimmy.

“We can’t solve all our problems at once, so we gotta do this one at a time. First thing’s first, we gotta actually make sure the passengers who are going on Jerk Airways actually go with Jerk Airways, and to do that I’ve gotta proposition for y’all. I’ve got a really good friend actually who could help us…”

Stockholm, Sweden

The Thug Wars had greatly changed Jerk Airways. The herders of Jerk Airways, trained to herd the herds of passengers, were not well trained for stopping thugs intent on kidnapping passengers. The herders set up barricades on the gate for Jerk Airways flights, but usually were unable to stop the thugs, who with their itching powder and laughing gas made quick work of the herders. Until today, that is.

As usual, the hero, or villain, depending on your perspective, of Jerk Airways, the cowboy, jumped up onto the ticketing desk. He scanned the crowd, trying to spot any potential thugs. The passengers all looked resigned, as if they had accepted their fate of being less than human for whichever airline they flew. The thugs had gotten better at disguising themselves, but were still fairly easy to pick out. Today, it seemed, the thugs had decided to disguise themselves as ballerina dancers. Of course, since none of them ever thought about shaving anything, their facial hair and hairy legs gave them away. One of them winked at the cowboy as his gaze went over the ballerina thug.

He thinks he’s a pretty ballerina…thought the cowboy.

“Alrighty y’all! We’re gonna get this show on the road! So, as per usual…” started the cowboy.

“HERE’S THE MOTHERLOAD BOYS! GRAB ‘EM AND TAKE ‘EM BACK!” yelled a ballerina thug.

Hoo boy, you ain’t got no idea what’s coming thought the cowboy in his thick Texan accent.

The leader ballerina thug started to make a grab for a passenger. The passenger was acting like everyone else, resigned to being treated like cattle, stolen away by other airlines, but content in the fact that he had only paid 5 dollars for this and not the absurd United Airlines prices. This passenger was dressed in a black suit, and even though it wasn’t dark inside, was wearing Men in Black style sunglasses. As the thug lunged at the passenger, the passenger suddenly reacted. He ducked the lunge, then roundhouse kicked the ballerina thug, sending him sprawling across the gate. The passenger then pulled a Super Soaker water gun out of his coat.

“FOR THE GLORY OF KIM JONG UN! STOP THESE FAKE CAPITALIST BALLERINAS! FOR THE DPRK!” roared the passenger.

“THE FUCK!??” yelled another ballerina thug in alarm while attempting to abscond with another passenger.

Suddenly, similarly dressed passengers all started pulling out Super Soaker water guns and with the same war cry, converged on the thugs. These were no ordinary passengers. These were Kim Jong Un’s secret police.

“IT’S THE FUCKIN’ SECRET POPO! THE WORST KIND!” screamed a ballerina thug.

“SMOKE ‘EM AND GAS ‘EM! IT’LL WORK ON THESE MOTHERFUCKERS TOO!” roared the lead ballerina thug while he got up from the ground.

A ballerina thug spotted an incoming DPRK secret policeman. He pulled out itch bombs out of his skirt and threw one square at the secret policeman. The secret policeman kept on coming.

“THE FUCK IS GOING ON!??” yelled the frightened ballerina thug.

“You capitalist scum throw itching powder at me!? I bathe in uranium! Your itching powder is nothing! I will make you my bitch, capitalist pig!” replied the grinning secret policeman.

“GET THE FUCK BACK! OH SHIT!” screamed the mortified ballerina thug while throwing his assorted bombs.

The secret policeman only laughed as the laughing gas hit his nostrils It did not stop him. The ballerina thug turned to run as he ran out of things to throw. The secret policeman took a rock steady aim at the thug, despite laughing, and fired a squirt from his Super Soaker. The liquid hit right on target on the soles of the ballerina thug’s feet. As the ballerina thug’s feet hit the ground, he couldn’t move.

“I CAN’T MOVE! THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!!!?????” howled the thug in horror.

The ballerina thug realized that the Super Soakers were loaded with some sort of quick cement. Suddenly the cowboy jumped in front of the stuck ballerina thug.

“IT’S CALLED PAYBACK MOTHERFUCKER!” roared the cowboy. “ALRIGHT BOYS! LET’S HEARD THIS SON OF A BITCH!”

The herders, who were already herding the stunned passengers into the flight, converged on the thug, lifted him out of his ridiculous pump heels and carried him away into the flight, while one herder prodded him with a cattle prod, for good measure.

All around, similar scenes were repeating themselves. All but one of the ballerina thugs were being taken away into the flight. The lead ballerina thug, seeing that the situation had turned against him, attempted to run away quietly. Suddenly, a DPRK secret policeman materialized in front of him.

“Where do you think you’re going, capitalist scum? We’re secret policeman! We’re everywhere and nowhere at once! You cannot escape us! Face it! You’re fucked! You will get owned by us!” snapped the secret policeman.

“OH SHIT!!!” yelled the ballerina thug in alarm.

As he attempted to run, the secret policeman round house kicked him again and sent the ballerina thug flying. As he flew threw the air, the cowboy jumped in his path, pulled out his baseball bat, and gave a good hit.

“HOME RUN MOTHERFUCKER!” roared the cowboy.

The ballerina thug was sent flying back to the secret policeman. The secret policeman laced the ballerina thug in quick cement with shots from his Super Soaker and stepped out of the way of the ballerina thug’s landing area. The cowboy and the secret policeman walked up to the ballerina thug, who was now lying glued to the ground.

“How did you…” started the ballerina thug.

“We’re Jerk Airways son! We got friends in powerful places!” snapped the cowboy as he gestured to the secret policeman.

The cowboy smiled at the memory of visiting North Korea, remembering his pride at seeing Jerk Airways techniques in use for all aircraft in North Korea, remembering his meeting with Kim Jong Un, and how Kim Jong Un had said

“You’re a friend in need! Kim Jong Un will nuke your enemies! Assume your problems are gone my friend!”

“Now we’re gonna leave you here for the TSA and for that jackass, Johnny Capone. Let him know that Jerk Airways will not tolerate more of your bullshit. Have a nice day!” said the cowboy as he tipped his hat.

The cowboy returned to the flight, with the secret policemen where the herders had the captured ballerina thugs.

“What are you gonna do with us!?” wailed a ballerina thug.

“You’re the motherfuckers who came here dressed to dance right!?” snapped the cowboy.

The cowboy looked to the pilot’s cabin.

“Hey Johnny!” yelled the cowboy.

“Yea?” asked Johnny Bravo, who had returned to piloting aircraft after not liking corporate life.

“Hit me with some music!”

The song Cotton Eye Joe started playing.

“Y’all here are gonna be the entertainment for the poor passengers y’all tried to abduct. Y’all are the dancers. The herders and I are the fucking dance masters, DJs, etc. Alright boys, let’s get to it!” said the cowboy.

The herders jumped up and started using their whips and cattle prods on the ballerina thugs while the cowboy screamed

“DANCE MOTHERFUCKERS! DANCE!”

The passengers cheered while the ballerina thugs danced and did the Cotton Eye Joe. Different dance styles were tried at the behest of cattle prods and whips. All in all, it was a new dawn for Jerk Airways. Perhaps they could fend off these Thugs after all.

Thug Airways: A Tale of Jerk Airways

JFK International Airport, New York

It was just another day. The cowboy was at it again, getting passengers ready for herding into a flight to London. The herders were getting ready with their cattle prods and whips. The cowboy was eyeing guys and girls who looked cute. Unfortunately for him, there weren’t many of interest to him on this flight

Jeez, this is gonna be a boring flight, thought the cowboy. The cowboy hopped up onto the desk, megaphone in hand.

“Alrighty folks! Welcome to Jerk Airways flight to London! Y’all ready to get this started?” drawled the cowboy.

The cowboy was somewhat distracted by a group of 7 strangely dressed people. And, let’s fair, if someone who dresses like a cowboy finds someone else strangely dressed, they must’ve been strangely dressed. The group of 7 were all dressed like various gangsters from around the world. Chinese Triads, drug cartel thugs, Yakuza, Indian coal mafia thugs, American gangsters, highway robbers, and more all were represented. They seemed to be walking towards the Jerk Airways gate.

Maybe they’re cosplayers thought the cowboy. Then, the cowboy realized he knew one of the thugs. Johnny Capone, the intrepid lawyer who had represented Jerk Airways in the recent lawsuit, was leading the group, dressed in his usual gold chains, aviator glasses, torn jeans, and leather jacket. The cowboy was about to call out to him when something even stranger happened. The group of thugs fanned out into the crowd of passengers. Johnny Capone, in his thick Bronx accent, then yelled:

“THE MOTHERLOAD OF PASSENGERS BOUND TO LONDON! GRAB THESE FUCKERS AND RUN WITH THEM! AS MANY AS YOU CAN FOR THUG FLIGHT TO LONDON!”

The thugs then started randomly grabbing passengers and running with them while snapping at the passengers “Keep your mouth shut if you wanna live!”.

“HEY! WHAT THE HELL Y’ALL THINK YOUR DOING!? THOSE ARE OUR GODDAMN PASSENGERS TO MISTREAT!” yelled the cowboy.

“IT’S JUST BUSINESS MAN!” replied Capone.

“HERDERS! IN THE NAME OF JERK AIRWAYS! DEFEND US!” roared the cowboy.

The herders started running after the thugs who were absconding away with passengers. They can’t stand up to the cattle prods and whips now can they thought the cowboy as he smirked at the thought. But Capone had other plans.

“SMOKE ‘EM AND GAS ‘EM!” yelled Capone.

The thugs started throwing things that exploded on impact and released either powder or gas. The gas turned out to be laughing gas, putting some herders into a laughing frenzy while the powder sent herders into a scratching frenzy.

“HOLY FUCKIN’ SHIT!” yelled the cowboy.

He pulled out his baseball bat just as Capone threw an itch bomb right at the cowboy. The cowboy smacked the ball with his bat, sending it sailing right back at Capone, exploding all over his face, leaving Capone in a scratching frenzy while he ran.

‘HOME RUN MOTHERFUCKER!” roared the cowboy.

The passengers dragged away by the thugs were then taken to another gate and told that either they pay $4 and get to their destination or be dragged off to some mafia warehouse never to be seen again. They signed their agreement, and just before they boarded, were told that they nothing was allowed onboard the flight.

“It’s for your security” said a thug.

Bags, jewelry, clothes, were all taken, never to be seen again. The passengers were given paper gowns in return.

“What is this?” asked a confused passenger.

“Thug Airways son!” retorted a mobster.

Jerk Airways Headquarters, Dallas, Texas

The TV was tuned in to CNN.

“Welcome back ladies and gentleman, I’m your host, Jake Tapper, and I’d like to bring you a special segment on the airline industry once again. Just a year ago, the airline industry experience a revolution, more like a Dark Age actually, with the introduction of Jerk Airways. Jerk Airways challenged all airlines with one simple proposition: their tickets cost only $5. They promise you’ll get where you need to be, on time, and that you won’t lose your booking, unlike United Airlines, who is now employing wrestlers and ex KGB officers to enforce their iron will onboard. What’s the catch? That’s all Jerk Airways promises. As many of you know, Jerk Airways literally herds its passengers using cattle prods and whips into the plane, where there are no seats and people are literally packed into the plane like sardines in a can. The pilots are ex rodeo stars and stunt drivers, known for insane flying antics. So passengers usually get off of Jerk Airways with broken bones among other things.

“You may remember hearing about Jerk Airways in the news a couple weeks ago when someone sued Jerk Airways for their passenger treatment. The plaintiff lost the case, and Jerk Airways is continuing its passenger treatment. You’d think that Jerk Airways has thought of every way of mistreating passengers to cut costs. That isn’t true anymore. Hard to believe right?

“Most of the other airlines are already suffering pretty badly, since they just can’t keep up, but now, Jerk Airways has a legitimate challenger: Thug Airways. Thug Airways was founded by ex crime boss Pablo Torrio Escobar, mafia boss Johnny Capone, and ex coal mafia boss Sardar Khan as a global mafia conglomerate airline. What are their principles you wonder? Well their tickets cost only $4. And they take things to the next level with passenger mistreatment. Jerk Airways was known for going to other airline departure gates and hawking their tickets to those poor passengers. These guys literally kidnap people from gates and force them to go onboard their flights, then proceed to strip passengers of literally everything on them, and only give them a paper gown in return, all in the name of security. And onboard the flight, they are once more forced onboard literally like sardines in a can. The pilots for these aircraft tend to be mafia getaway drivers of various types from around the world. They are giving Jerk Airways a run for their money”

“The run for money part is true. Our profits are taking a bit of a hit” said Johnny Bravo.

“GODDAMIT” roared James “Jimmy” Edwards.

“This is going to be vexing…” said the CFO as she scratched her head.

Jerk Airways Goes to Court: Jason Reynolds vs Jerk…

Find Part 1 here!

Mike Anderson and Johnny Capone sat in Judge Jonathan Mark’s personal office, where the short, portly man continued to pace back and forth as he talked on the phone.

“No no sir, I will not enter that court room until you send me a full bodyguard detachment from the military! I value my life far too much to go in their unprotected! And my aide will also require an escort! His duties of fetching food and coffee are paramount to the function of this court! Thank you! Thank you!” said Marks with his rather fake sounding British accent.

He put down his phone, took a seat at his desk. Anderson looked extremely nervous while Capone looked bored, with his feet on the desk.

“Oh dear lord, now where to begin with the two of you” sighed Marks.

“I would like to point out that this was a minor incident that-” started Anderson.

“Minor incident!? You punched a lawyer, in particular, Johnny Capone, in the middle of a court case!!! What does it take for it to become major!?” squealed Judge Marks.

“Well for once we’s agreeing on somethin’” said Capone with his heavy Bronx accent. “This wasn’t too big a deal. He did start it tho Judge”

“Look now to be fair Johnny, you did kind of push Anderson. But I’ll concede. Anderson! Apologize to him!” said Judge Marks.

“Why!? He started it!” snapped Anderson.

Before Judge Marks could say something, Capone interrupted.

“It’s ok Judge. It was a good brawl anyways. He threw some good punches, and I threw some good ones too. My boys get a bit nervous when someone has the balls to punch their boss. They won’t barge in next time. It’s all good.”

“Well it’s good to know that you aren’t angry, Johnny my boy!” beamed Judge Marks.

Anderson scowled but said nothing.

“Right, now that that’s settled, let’s get this case finished, shall we?”

Some time later, they were all once more settled into the courtroom. The ceiling had a new design created by the bullets fired into it from last weeks altercation. The bailiff, who had taken the majority of the punches from Anderson and Capone, had healed up fairly well from the physical injuries he’d received. His soul, however, seemed to not have faired as well. More and more he looked like he was becoming a ghost. The aide scurried into the courtroom with seemingly unlimited boxes of doughnuts. His bodyguard, a US Army Ranger, seemed a bit breathless.

“Jesus can that kid run!” breathed the Ranger.

“Well now that we are all settled in, injuries repaired, and my new US Army Ranger bodyguards are here,” he gestured to the two Rangers standing on either side of him, ” we can now start! Right, so where were we? Right, Anderson, any more witnesses?” said Judge Marks.

“I had one more your honor, but I don’t see him here…” trailed Anderson.

Capone looked smug.

“You wouldn’t happen to know what happened to him, would you Capone?” Anderson asked suspiciously.

“Actually I know what happened to him, you jackasses!” snapped the bailiff.

Everyone was stunned, including Judge Marks.

“Uh dear bailiff, are you feeling ok?” asked Judge Marks.

“As good as I’ll ever feel, smart-asses, If no one else is gonna follow protocol, why the fuck should I?” said an exasperated bailiff. “That witness decided that this joke of a case isn’t worth his life, so he ran off. That smug asshole Capone didn’t do anything. He just took one of his goon’s offer and is now chilling somewhere in one of Capone’s dens”

The bailiff had given up on everything it seemed. He called the aide over, took out a deck of Magic: The Gathering cards, and started playing a game with the aide in a corner of the courtroom.

“Right, well I guess not in that case” said Anderson.

“Oh good! We can move on then! Johnny! Your first witness!” said Judge Marks.

“Cowboy! Get up there!” said Capone.

The infamous Jerk Airways cowboy got up and walked over to the witness stand.

“Are you actually a cowboy?” asked Judge Marks.

“Welll” drawled the cowboy. “I guess I’m more like an aerial cowboy. A bit more modern, cause I do herd creatures that are like cows, but it’s a bit different now. I still got my revolver though!”

“Ohhhh that’s most fascinating! We must talk more good sir!” said Judge Marks.

“AHEM!” snapped Anderson.

“Oh fine you killjoy, we’ll move on!” snapped Judge Marks.

He first proceeded to finish off another doughnut.

“Swear him in bailiff!” ordered Judge Marks.

“Fuck you!” replied the bailiff without even looking away from his game.

“Oh some people are so incapable of dealing with a slightly different procedure! Fine then! He won’t be sworn in!” snapped Judge Marks.

Capone walked over to the cowboy.

“Ok then cowboy, tell these assholes in the court what you think about this case” said Capone.

“I think it’s complete bullshit! Jason Reynolds just bitches way too much. I try to be nice to these guys and this is what we get. A court case!” drawled the cowboy.

“That’s all I want to ask” said Capone.

“That’s it!?” yelled Anderson.

Capone simple shrugged as he sat back down.

“OBJECTION YOUR HONOR!” roared Anderson.

“Oh here we go again” said an exasperated Judge Marks.

“THE BAILIFF MIGHT’VE GIVEN UP BUT I HAVEN’T!” exploded Anderson.

“You’ll realize the truth sooner or later” said the bailiff while he drew another card.

“THAT WASN’T EVEN A TESTIMONY! IT WAS JUST OPINION!” snapped Anderson.

Anderson began breathing heavily like a horse after a hard run.

“I’m telling ya, he’s part horse!” stated the cowboy.

Capone chuckled.

“Part jackass more like!” said Capone.

“BET!” yelled the cowboy.

“How much!” asked Capone gleefully.

“50 bucks!” drawled the cowboy.

“Your on!” responded Capone.

“Well, if that’s all he has to say, that’s all he has to say!” squealed Judge Marks. “Overruled! You can ask him more questions if you want now!”

Anderson got up and walked over to the cowboy. The cowboy wasn’t paying him much attention.

“Could you please state your name for the record?” asked Anderson.

The cowboy seemed to not hear him. He seemed to be looking for someone in the jury.

“Could you please state your name for the record?” repeated Anderson.

The cowboy still didn’t hear him, nor did he look at him.

“HEY!” yelled Anderson. “Look at me when I’m talking to you!”

The cowboy lethargically looked at Anderson.

“Why? You ain’t cute to look it, and you’re bein’ a pain” retorted the cowboy.

Anderson looked dumbfounded. Capone roared with laughter. A juror snickered. The bailiff and the aide continued to play Magic.

“Not cute!?” howled Anderson. “That’s all you have to say!?”

“Now now, no need to feel bad. I tell this to all the guys and gals I meet that I don’t think are cute. There’s someone out there for ya! I promise! And ya know what? I can probably hook you up, for a small fee of course” drawled the cowboy.

“This isn’t about my love life dammit! I’m asking you a question!” snapped Anderson.

“Nah you just tellin’ yourself that, but it’s all about love son! Love is all you need! And speaking of love, that there juror, hoo boy is she cute!” whooped the cowboy as he pointed at one of the jurors.

The juror in question blushed.

“Oh you’re too kind!” said the juror.

“Oh this is so cute! I must record this for my YouTube channel!” squealed Judge Marks.

“You’re here to answer my questions!” snapped Anderson.

“No no no, that cute girl there gets priority. See that’s how I work! Cuteness is always prioritized. Don’t be jealous that you ain’t as cute as that girl there!” responded the cowboy.

Capone had fallen out of his chair laughing. One of the Rangers was also chuckling at this point.

“Judge! He must be held in contempt of court!” yelled Anderson.

“The only thing he’s in contempt of is you, Anderson” replied Judge Marks, all the while filming with his iPhone.

“Bailiff! Arrest him!” yelled Anderson.

“You know buddy, you should give up. It’s hopeless! Come on Anderson, we’re playing EDH, we’ve got room for another player! You can borrow my deck if you want!” said the bailiff.

“Can I join?” yelled another juror.

Anderson turned around and stared at the juror as if he might just strangle her if she said another word. The rest of the jury turned to stare at her too.

“What? It’s not as if this trial is going anywhere” said the juror.

“Come on over” said the bailiff.

“Ok” said Anderson, trying to calm himself down, ” let’s try something different. You said that you always prioritize cuteness. Is that how you work on a Jerk Airways flight?”

“Call me!” said the cowboy in a whisper as he gestured to the juror he thought was cute.

He then turned to Anderson.

“Yes sir that is how I work!” stated the cowboy triumphantly.

“So you admit that you discriminate” said Anderson smugly.

“Now I do not discriminate! I prioritize cute men and women! Here, for example, that bailiff is cuter than you Anderson. So don’t be jealous” replied the cowboy.

This time the bailiff did look up in shock.

“Well, I never considered myself handsome…” started the bailiff.

“Well now you know my man! All ya need is some confidence! You can do wonders!” the cowboy winked at the bailiff.

“You sir are an example for us all!” said Judge Marks.

“Why thank you good sir!” replied the cowboy.

“You haven’t answered my question!” snapped Anderson.

“Well before I answer your question, let me ask you one, are you part horse or part jackass?” asked the cowboy.

“YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!” roared Anderson.

“Hey! You don’t talk to my witness like that!” snapped Capone as he jumped up from his chair.

“Anderson, you really must calm down” said Judge Marks.

“Look now Anderson, you definitely ain’t cute when you’re angry. Some guys are, but you just look like a pile of horseshit” said the cowboy.

Capone roared with laughter. A US Army Ranger dropped his rifle since he was laughing so hard. Anderson then tried to punch the cowboy. The cowboy ducked his blow, then yelled:

“ALRIGHT BOYS! IT’S HERDING TIME!”

A Jerk Airways attendant jumped up from the defendant’s table with a whip and a cattle prod and started his usual routine.

“GIDDYUP BOY! COME ON!” whooped the attendant.

“STOP THAT!” yelled Anderson as he backed away.

The attendant chased Anderson around the courtroom.

“So, now that anger management here is taken care of, now I’d like to tell you something Judge Marks. That is why we use cattle prods and whips. Because there’s rules we got, like you Judge Marks, and people don’t follow them rules even though they know about them” drawled the cowboy.

“GIDDYUP!” yelled the attendant.

Anderson roared and started panting again.

“See? He’s part jackass, I told you!” said Capone.

“Well, he could be part jackass and part horse too!” replied the cowboy.

“But what about your pilots?” asked a genuinely curious Judge Marks. “They’re stunt drivers, rodeo stars, how does that work?”

As the attendant continued chasing Anderson around the room, the cowboy continued.

“Well Judge, you’ve cut back on some things in the process to make things go quicker in this court, right?” asked the cowboy.

“Certainly! Otherwise it takes years to get a date at a court! We pride ourselves on expediency! Other courts take years! We take days!” said Judge Marks

“We’re the same way! We cut some things so that we can get the $5 ticket price! Besides, we say it straight up, we only say you’ll get where you need to for only $5! Never said how, never said in what condition! It’s all just business!” drawled the cowboy.

Anderson continued yelling while being chased by the fanatic attendant. The Rangers were now taking bets on who would tire first, the attendant chasing Anderson, or Anderson.

“Hmm, well I see. You sir, I must speak more with! Perhaps tomorrow over tea and doughnuts? Along with Johnny? Oh and yes, I pronounce you not guilty!”

“I’m good! How about you Capone?” drawled the cowboy.

“Yea I don’t think the mob’s got any hits scheduled tomorrow. Should be fine” replied Capone.

“This session is adjourned! And as I was saying…” said Judge Marks.

“YES! I DID IT!” roared the bailiff.

“What?” asked Judge Marks.

“I beat this aide after losing all my games! Take that you inhumanly fast creature!” roared the bailiff.

The cowboy ambled over to the juror he had set his eyes on and started chatting with her. Capone then walked over to the Magic game in progress and started to inquire if he could add these games to his gambling dens. Judge Marks continued munching on doughnuts. Anderson, who had been running nonstop, finally collapsed after being prodded and poked by the attendant multiple times.

“HOO YEA BUDDY! I AIN’T DONE THIS KINDA RUN EVER!” whooped the attendant.

“HA! Told you Anderson would be the first to fall!” yelled a Ranger triumphantly.

Jason Reynolds vs Jerk Airways (Part 1): A Tale…

(A Fourth of July Multipart Special!)

“All rise for the honorable Judge Jonathan Marks”

The judge looked to be anything other than honorable as he walked in casually, his judge robes barely hanging on to his copious frame, while he munched on a croissant sandwich.

“Yes, yes, sit everyone. Good God, you people won’t let me eat my sandwich with your formalities” he muttered.

Even his voice sounded like a cheap, squeaky, knock-off of a British accent. Despite his appearance, Judge Marks was actually quite interested in hearing this case. This was bound to be interesting, from what he already knew about the parties involved.

“Alright, what have we got here? The case of Jason Reynolds vs Jerk Airways. Hmm. I feel like I’m going to quite enjoy this. Is the jury ready? Would they like anything? Some coffee, tea perhaps? I usually like a glass of whisky before one of these cases. It really gets the blood flowing.”

The bailiff simply stared back at him with his mouth hanging open. This judge was rather unorthodox.

“I’ll take that as a yes. Ok, so let’s skip past the boring stuff, we know that Jason Reynolds has filed suit against Jerk Airways, for the following reasons, and I quote, ‘Jerk Airways is illegal, due to the way literally everything is run’, is that correct plaintiff?”

Jason Reynold’s lawyer, Mike Anderson, stood up.

“Yes your honor, that is correct”

“Oh good! I wouldn’t want to deal with that not being the case! Alright, and now for the defendant, Jerk Airways. What have you got to say for yourselves? Any pleadings?”

In classic Jerk Airways style, the lawyer representing Jerk Airways was quite the man. The lawyer looked to be anything but a lawyer. Dressed in faded jeans and a leather jacket with large gold chains adorning his muscular frame, he looked to be more of a mobster rather than a lawyer. He rose.

“I don’t think we did anything your honor” he said in a thick New York Bronx accent.

The judge was very interested now.

“Good sir, your name is…”

“Full name’s Johnathan Capone. You can call me Johnny though”

“Ah yes, Mr. Capone, sorry, Johnny, are you new to law?”

“I’m not new to the law. I know it pretty well actually. I’ve broken enough laws to know it pretty well. Usually I’m sitting there where the defendant is. I’ve been defended so many times that I’ve learned a thing or two about defense. I decided that I could cut some costs on my own operations if I started representing myself as a defense lawyer, cause I don’t gotta threaten some guy or keep some slime ball on my payroll. Plus I can make some money on the side too. This is my first time representin’ somebody though”

The bailiff was aghast. He couldn’t believe what Jerk Airways was doing.

“Wait a minute! Are you saying that Jerk Airways hired a criminal, gangster, mobster to be a lawyer?” asked a mortified bailiff.

“Yeah. How better to defend yourself from the law than use a guy like me, eh?” retorted Capone with a smirk.

“I share my bailiff’s curiosity. This is quite interesting. Any relation to Alphonse Capone?” asked Judge Marks, who seemed increasingly oblivious to the fact that the feared mobster, Johnny Capone, was today here in the role of a lawyer.

“Yea he was my grand dad. Pappa Al we used to call him”

“I would certainly love to hear more from you sir! Perhaps after the case, over tea? Are the stories about Al Capone true? Oh, oh, how accurate do you think Boardwalk Empire was?”

Judge Marks was clearly more interested in hearing Capone’s stories rather than the case. Before Capone could respond, Anderson rose.

“Your honor, perhaps we should begin the case? I’m sure there’s plenty of time afterwards for listening to Capone’s life story, perhaps in his own court case”

Judge Marks seemed offended.

“How rude of you!” he said.

Capone turned to Anderson.

“Hey wise guy, can’t youse see that we’re havin’ a chat here? You shouldn’t interrupt. It’s bad manners” said Capone.

“We aren’t here to chat about your life. We’re here to argue a case”

“Alright, let’s argue, with my boot up your ass, wise guy” growled Capone.

Judge Marks banged his gavel.

“Quite everyone! Alright, alright, we’ll start the case! God. Can’t even have a decent conversation these days.”

Judge Marks beckoned one of his aides to come closer.

“Run to the nearest Dunkin’ Donuts, get 2 boxes of assorted donuts from them. Oh, would anyone else like anything? Johnny, perhaps you’d like to try some croissant sandwiches?”

“Nah I’m good your honor. I just had breakfast” said Capone.

“Oh, all good then. Anyone else? Jury?” asked Judge Marks.

“Could I get an everything bagel with cream cheese?” yelled a man from the jury.

Everyone stared at the man. The bailiff looked as if he might just strangle the man on the spot.

“What? I’m hungry, and he’s asking” said the juror.

“Oh don’t worry yourself, that’s why I asked good sir! How about you Anderson? It’ll do your uptight self some good” asked Judge Marks.

The bailiff looked as if he might faint any minute.

“I’d rather we start, if it’s all good with you judge” said Anderson.

“Oh you’re hopeless, aren’t you? Oh alright, have it your way, you ninny noggins! Off you go then! And don’t be late or I’ll hold you in contempt of court! Your opening remarks then, Anderson”

Mike Anderson got up as the aide scurried away to go buy the food from Dunkin’ Donuts. He straightened his tie, and with a smug look on his face, walked up to face the judge and the jury.

“Your honor, may it please the court. Does an airline have any responsibilities? Don’t they owe it to their customers to give them basic service? Don’t they owe their passengers basic decency? Or do we sign that all away to ‘airline rules’ when we purchase a ticket with an airline? You are here today to answer that question. My client, Jason Reynolds, was one such passenger, onboard Jerk Airways flight to Beijing, when he experience the most vicious, denigrating, painful, and discriminatory experiences that any airline has ever had.”

Before Anderson could continue, Capone yelled out.

“WROONNGGG!”

The bailiff almost collapsed right there. Anderson gave Capone a stare of utter contempt.

“Excuse me Capone. I know that people like you don’t know much about law, but it’s my turn to speak right now” said Anderson.

“Now, as I was saying, my client expected to arrive at Beijing without broken bones, bruises, and without the pain and horror of the discrimination, mistreatment, and indecency of Jerk Airways”

Once more, Capone called out.

“We never said how you’d get there!”

Anderson gritted his teeth. The bailiff looked increasingly nauseous.

“Your honor, this is not proper conduct of any lawyer” said Anderson.

“Oh for once Anderson does have a point. Johnny, as much as I like you, I would like to remind you that this is my court, and not the presidential debates between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Please, let him finish, and you’ll get your chance to make your own arguments”

Capone simply dismissed that with a wave of his hand. Anderson continued.

“Do people not expect basic decency from businesses? Basic dignity? Basic human rights? Our founding fathers expected that we should have as much, so it is written in the Constitution, in the Bill of Rights. What you have in front of you are vile, greedy, humans who care nothing for others. They simply pretend to care for you. They pretend and then once they have your money, nobody cares anymore. What right do airlines have to treat people like cattle? What right do airlines have to squeeze as many people onboard a plane as they can? What right do airlines have to mistreat and discriminate? You must choose today, between human rights, or corporate greed. Thank you.”

Anderson sat down. Judge Marks seemed to be bored.

“Well Anderson, if law doesn’t work out for you, you certainly have a career in TV drama or politics ahead of you, though I’d start with TV drama first, then go into politics, since it seems to be the best route these days. Alright then. Johnny, your opening remarks sir.”

Capone got up, straightened his gold chains, and walked over to the jury as if he was going on a hit with his mob.

“Well now that drama queen here is finished, ” said Capone.

Anderson’s face turned bright red with anger.

“Let me tell you like it is. All that bullshit he told you about human rights and crap like that? That’s all it is. Bullshit. It’s just some jackass who bitches too much tryin’ ta get attention. That’s it” said Capone.

Capone started to walk off, then remembered one more thing.

“Thank you” said Capone. He then walked back and sat down.

This time the bailiff actually did fall over. He did manage to get back up, with great effort.

“Objection Your Honor. That entire opening statement was argumentative!” screeched Anderson.

“But it was damned well better than yours. It was concise and to the point! Alright, it was somewhat profane, but who isn’t these days? Overruled.” retorted Judge Marks.

“But, but, Your Honor?” wailed Anderson.

“No buts! Get yours back on that chair before I hold you in contempt of court!” said Judge Marks.

Anderson, now looking like a sad puppy, sat down.

“Alright, now onwards with the case! AH! There it is!” jumped Judge Marks with glee.

“Your Honor?” asked Anderson.

“My donuts! Come here plebe!” snapped Judge Marks.

The aide had returned, loaded like a pack mule with donuts and coffee. He somehow managed to scurry forward through the courtroom to deliver the donuts to Judge Marks.

“Don’t forget that gentlemen’s bagel!” snapped Judge Marks.

The aide scurried to the juror who asked for his bagel. The juror took his bagel and gave the aide 5 dollars as a tip. The aide bowed gratefully, then scurried to his position behind the judge.

“Now we can continue!” said Judge Marks between mouthfuls of donuts. “Anderson! Your first witness!”

“Thank you Your Honor. I’d like to call Jason Reynolds to the stand.”

Jason Reynolds got up. His head, his arm, and his leg were all wrapped in casts. He had definitely seen better days. He hobbled over to the witness stand, helped by the increasingly sickly looking bailiff.

“Swear him in!” ordered Judge Marks.

The bailiff swore in Jason. Anderson then walked up to the witness stand.

“Could you tell us your name, for the record?”

“My name is Jason Reynolds”

“Ok Jason, now tell us what happened on June 12th, 2017”

“Well, I needed to go to Beijing for business purposes, so my company booked a flight for me. These days, United tickets are getting more expensive, especially with their insurance plans. So I decided to book with Jerk Airways. The boarding process started off with a man dressed like a cowboy getting up on his desk and only allowing those who could beat him in rock, paper, scissors, to board first. Then the rest of us were herded onboard with cattle prods and whips. We were then squeezed in onboard like canned vegetables. The pilot was apparently a former stunt driver, and flew the plane like he drives. He did barrel rolls, loops, and even put the flight into zero g. Even his take off and landings seemed to be optimized for bone breakage. I could go on, but that’s the general gist of it”.

“Did you expect to be treated this way?” asked Anderson.

“No, I did not expect to be treated like this. I’m still recovering from my ordeal”

“Thank you, no further questions Your Honor”

Anderson sat down, looking smug, as if he’d already won the case right there and then.

“Alright. Johnny! Your witness!” squealed Judge Marks.

Once more, Capone got up, and walked over to Jason as if he was walking with his mob on a hit.

“Seems like everybody with Anderson here is a fucking drama queen. Alright, what’s your name again?” seethed Capone.

“Jason Reynolds” said an unfazed Jason Reynolds.

“Right then Jason. So you know what this airline is called, right? Tell us again, in case there’s some dumbass here who don’t know” said Capone.

“I booked my ticket with Jerk Airways…” said Jason cautiously.

“Alright, so it’s called Jerk Airways. How much did you pay for this ticket?” asked Capone.

“I paid 5 dollars for this ticket” replied Jason.

“Ok, so you paid only 5 dollars for this ticket, and you yourself said it’s because it’s cheaper than other airlines, right?”

“Yea…” said Jason, not liking where this was going.

“Ok, so this question is for any smart-ass in this court. What the fuck did you expect when you booked a ticket with an airline called Jerk Airways and paid only 5 dollars for it? Are youse fucking stupid or something?” snapped Capone.

The bailiff fainted. Anderson’s smug expression had changed. His mouth was literally hanging open. Jason looked stunned. As stunned as a man wrapped heavily in casts could, in any event. Anderson recovered after a few minutes to voice his objections.

“Uh, objection your honor! I could probably voice 15 objections, but let’s start with calls to speculation and leading the witness on!” stuttered Anderson.

“Well he does have a point.”  said Judge Marks, gesturing to Capone. “Overruled! And someone get the bailiff back on his feet again!”

Anderson sat back down. The aide scurried out of the court room and returned with a bucket of water. He poured the water on the bailiff. The bailiff woke with a start, arms flailing. The aide hauled the bailiff to his feet, then scurried back to his position behind Judge Marks.

“I, uh, don’t know” said an utterly stunned Jason Reynolds.

“Well thanks for nothing wise guy. I’m done with this smart ass” growled Capone.

“Alright, can we get this walking mummy off the stand then!?” snapped Judge Marks.

As the increasingly paler bailiff hauled Jason off of the witness stand, Anderson stood up again.

“Your Honor, I implore you, this is no way to run a court! This man has shown blatant disregard for every single courtroom procedure! He’s broken more laws than I have fingers to count on just standing here! The Founding Fathers are spinning in their graves right now! Please your honor!” pleaded Anderson.

Judge Marks looked unfazed.

“Oh Anderson, come now, he’s made some rather good points” yawned Marks.

“Please your honor!” pleaded Anderson once more. He seemed on the verge of tears.

Before Judge Marks could reply, Capone responded.

“Oh look, the fucking drama queen’s at it again! Want me to get you a napkin? Maybe a diaper too? Aww, is he gonna cry?” Capone was toying with Anderson.

Anderson suddenly looked angry.

“Your Honor, please tell this man to restrain himself” said Anderson through gritted teeth.

“Johnny, my boy, this might not be the best way to go about things” started Judge Marks.

But Capone dismissed them all with a wave of his hand.

“Ohh, looks like baby faced Anderson’s angry now! Aww, he’s so cute when he’s angry! Is he gonna kick out? Huh, oh he looks like he’s gonna pee himself!” roared Capone with laughter as he got in Anderson’s face.

Anderson then punched Capone. His fist connected with Capone’s jaw, sending him careening across the courtroom. The bailiff put his hand on his chest as if his heart might stop beating if he didn’t give it a helping hand. People suddenly stood up in the courtroom to get a better view. Judge Marks pulled out his iPhone and started recording. Capone recovered rather quickly.

“OH IT’S ON MOTHERFUCKER!” he roared in fury.

Capone jumped across the courtroom and started throwing punches at Anderson. The bailiff ran to try to separate the two. The Jerk Airways staff at the defendant’s table started chanting:

“FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!”

It seemed that they saw this more as a wrestling match than a courtroom. Judge Marks squealed with delight. Then, the courtroom does burst open. Capone’s mobsters had entered the room, carrying machine guns and pistols. They fired some shots into the ceiling. They were clearly angry that anyhow had the gall to punch their boss. Judge Marks jumped under his table, while somehow still smashing his gavel on the table and started screaming:

“ORDER! ORDER!”

People started screaming. Chaos ensued. Somehow, the Jerk Airways staff still seemed unfazed. Then, the hero of Jerk Airways, or villain, depending on your perspective, the cowboy, jumped up on the table with a megaphone in hand and started talking calmly.

“May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please?”

Somehow, the courtroom chaos stopped for a minute.

“Alrighty everybody, now that y’all aren’t killin’ one another…”

Judge Marks saw his opportunity. He crawled out from under his table and yelled.

“THIS SESSION IS OVER! WE WILL RECONVENE NEXT WEEK! JOHNNY AND ANDERSON WILL MEET ME BEFORE THAT SESSION STARTS! NOW GET OUT! ALL OF YOU! YOU! AIDE! WHERE ARE YOU!?”

The aide poked his head out from the side of the chandelier. Apparently he had somehow managed to jump onto the chandelier and was hiding there, waiting for the chaos to end.

End of part 1.